They told me I wasn't thinking straight.
Ever day I wake up. I wash my face and brush my teeth. I remind myself that I am strong. I break down. I am not strong.
Every day I wake up. I wash parts of me I don't look at. I don't look in the mirror. I remind myself that I am beautiful. I am not beautiful. I eat a bowl of corn flakes. Every morning I eat the same bowl of corn flakes because I can't eat anything else because if I do things will happen and I won't be in control of them.
I wash my face and brush my teeth after I eat my corn flakes because I remind myself I am beautiful and strong and my therapist says and my parents say and I am not beautiful or strong. Every day I wake up again.
The grass in the park is green. I don't live where it snows so the grass is always green. Some days it rains and I go to the park and sit in the rain and feel safe because I know that it doesn't rain on days when bad things happen and so this will be a good day.
The bench in the park is not safe. I am not safe there. Why do I sit there? Why do I wait on days when it doesn't rain and the grass is green and the sun is shining and I am not safe?
Every day the parts of me that I cannot look at are dirty so I clean them. Or I wash them. They cannot get clean. The grass is green there in the park.
Every day I wake up. I eat a bowl of corn flakes. I walk to the park. My therapist says and my parents say and I am not beautiful or strong so I walk to the park. If it rains I am safe, but it doesn't rain so I wait on the bench where I am not safe and I watch for swans and I wonder why?
I am not thinking straight. I remind myself I am not thinking straight. Swans are everywhere.
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